Crystal Bowersox had a medical emergency so the guys went one day early this week! The verdict? So much better than last week… for the majority of them. Listen, I’m getting sick and tired of hearing how this season is the worst ever. Especially at such an early stage in the season. I’m starting to think one of the main problems is the audio mix we have been hearing in these live shows. The band is so low that it kills the intensity and power of some of these songs. I make sure and put on a pair of headphones and listen to these performances a second time and it’s like night and day.

Also, I’d like to take a moment and applaud Ellen Degeneres. As a judge, she has been warm, brutally honest, and charmingly funny. When Jermaine asked for a song suggestion, Ellen was the only judge who actually had one to give. So, it looks like she might know her music pretty well. The producers made a great choice and Ellen is settling into her new position just fine.

So, how did the contestants line up? Let’s go to the Report!

10. Jermaine Sellers – Can we eliminate a contestant based on how they murdered the English language? “I rocks my..” isn’t appropriate in any country; even a third world one. Do you understand that, Jermaine? “They know what they talking about.” Oh my God, seriously, eliminate him or replace him with Chris Tucker because I’m starting to not be able to tell the difference. “What’s Going On” was a marked improvement from last week’s performance wherein Jermaine decided it was in his best interest to scream at me. What did I do wrong, Jermaine?! Why were you so angry with me? Listen, I am almost positive Jermaine will be sent packing this week. Jermaine is more in love with his voice than Tom Cruise is with psychotic rants. But, what was the cardinal rule that Mr. Sellers broke in this episode? He talked back. No, scratch that, he sassed back. In fact, he was so sassy he went as far as to claim that because he was a religious man God would not eliminate him. Yeah, because that’s how God works, Jermaine. Plus, the dude wore a bow tie! Who does he think is? Andre 3000? NOT SAFE.

9. Todrick Hall – “I try to do a few push-ups to get the blood pumping. It also makes your pecs a little bit bigger on television.” Yeah, okay, who ordered the doucheburger supreme? Todrick once again came out with a reinvented arrangement to a very popular song. I thoroughly enjoyed the new version of “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and I thought Todrick could have sold this if his voice was big enough for the challenge. It wasn’t. While the song was very spirited, the vocals just weren’t present. He is living on borrowed time in this competition. NOT SAFE.

8. John Park – John rocks the v-neck t-shirts like Willie Nelson rocks getting arrested for possession. So, what did we learn about Mr. Park? He speaks another language. Korean. Shocker. Who else wanted to roll their eyes, but then felt a tad racist? Cool, let’s start a club! This vocal (“Gravity” by John Mayer) was very nice and John is a very capable singer, but he is becoming such a bland contestant that he never sticks out. This is his problem in a nutshell; it’s not that he has a bad voice, it’s that he is a boring performer. Every time he sings I have this urge to look longingly at the rain outside of my bedroom window like a troubled Meredith Baxter-Birney in a Lifetime original movie. I’m not one to ever underestimate the Asian voting community (who else remembers 3^rd place finisher Jasmine Trias?) but I don’t see America’s good will carrying John through another round. NOT SAFE.

7. Casey James – Casey James doesn’t have a television set. Weirdo. This is America. Grow up! Who else hates people that don’t have televisions? It’s like, oh look at me! I can read literature and know what art deco furniture looks like. Psh, big deal dude, I saw some guy eat cow testicles on Fear Factor. Game. Set. Match. Casey sang “I Don’t Wanna Be,” which is incredibly ironic, because this song has been done to death on this program. So much for wanting to be original. Here… allow me to show you Casey’s strategy for this performance to the tune of the chorus from “I Don’t Wanna Be”: “Mumble southern rock mumble mumble gritty tone right here then there’s a crazy rock guitar solo. Then, repeat this tune twice and finish it off with another crazy rock solo.” Seriously. That was it. Vocally lazy and he sounded completely out of breath. But did it rock? Yeah, okay, it rocked. The judges gave some pretty mixed reviews and Kara said he “took two steps backwards.” Psh, yea, but he took two steps backwards while playing a face-melting guitar solo!!! Hiya! Face-kicked! Oh, and I know what Casey does before each performance. That box he was hiding? Full of human hearts… he eats them in order to stay young. Either that or he’s Highlander. Still, the Dude abides. Ryan inquired “Do you feel like you own that guitar when you sing?” Casey, not missing a beat, deadpanned “Oh, I definitely own this guitar.” Yeah, Ryan, I think he literally owns that guitar. NEVER GOING HOME.

6. Tim Urban – Who else thought that Chris Golightly tricked Tim into wearing that bright red shirt so he could release a bull in the studio whose only mission was to gore young Urban to death? What did we not know about Tim Urban? What he’s doing here. Haha, no, I kid. Apparently, we didn’t know that he comes from the family in “7^th Heaven.” Actually, to be fair, Tim’s performance of “Come On Get Higher” was rather solid. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him advance to the next round. It was a very current song choice and the camera was so close to his face I thought the crewman holding it had a little man crush on Timmy. The best part of the performance? The awkward interview after it ended. Ryan just kept staring at the kid. Here’s how the interview went if you were just reading the body language: “I took it and I changed it up. Worked on who I am as an artist and..” “God, you’re beautiful.” “I’m sorry?” “Nothing. Hey, how you doing?” “Good. Anyway…umm… it felt good to do something more modern, more me, just a…” “You’re fun. You’re just a real fun guy” “Oh, thank you..” “We should eat together. At a fancy Italian restaurant..” “Oh, that’s okay, I’m really just gonna go home and get some sleep” “I love you.” “Yeah, kind of uncomfortable right now…” NOT SAFE.

5. Andrew Garcia – “You Give Me Something” was another minor mistake for Andrew Garcia. It was a soulful performance and some of it was quite good, but the chorus was so weak that the song choice was not a very potent weapon. It never quite took off, and he’s finding it awfully hard to clear the bar that was set for him in Hollywood. He’s still safe, but he really needs to research his next performance and hit it out of the park to get back on that road to the finale. NEVER GOING HOME.

4. Aaron Kelly – Ryan announced that this would be an “old school” number from Aaron Kelly. So, I initially assumed he would be singing “Stacey’s Mom” because, let’s face it, “old school” for Aaron is, like, anything from 2003. This kid is so young looking they card him when he asks for a glass of chocolate milk. What did we learn about the young singer tonight? Well, Aaron is into photography! So, you know, if this Idol thing doesn’t quite work out he can always be that weird creepy kid holding a camera in the tree outside your teenage daughter’s window. Aaron sang “My Girl” and did a very nice job with it. He is sure to grab a lot of older voters because he was just precious. But, here’s my advice to Aaron: stick with country music. That is how you will have a chance to win this show. Country voters are loyal and will carry you a long way. Trust me. NEVER GOING HOME.

3. Alex Lambert – So, who else is starting to really dig Alex? He always has this great look on his face that just shows the audience how incredibly excited he is to be on this program. Viewers love to see that! Every time the camera panned on him he was like “Dude! I’m freaking on American Idol! Whaaat?” Plus, he has a mullet. Like, not as a joke. He legitimately has one; on purpose… and seems to have a superhuman ability to pick great songs for his voice. “Everybody Knows” was fantastic! This guy has come from nowhere and Simon was right when he inspired Alex to always be confident in his voice. Alex could be a great dark horse in this competition. Kara, though, was wrong when she said, “People would die to have that tone!” Uhh, no they wouldn’t, because then that tone would be worthless. Because they’re dead. Let’s move on! NEVER GOING HOME.

2. Lee Dewyze – Lee had a rough past, but then a teacher found him and changed his life. So, pretty much the plot of “Good Will Hunting,” but with more music and less Robin Williams. Lee did a great job with “Lips of an Angel.” I never thought Lee was this strong of a vocalist, but he could do quite well on this show. My advice? Get a better belt, Lee. You are going to be here for a while. NEVER GOING HOME.

1. Michael Lynche – What did we not know about Big Mike? Well, he used to be a theatre guy! How awesome would it be to be in the same theatre department as Michael Lynche? Theatre Dork: “Oh, you think I’m a geek? Why don’t you tell that to my co-star in Cabaret… BIG MIKE!! Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Seriously, Lynche has some amazing charisma. Very likeable and very accessible. You just want to smile! But, until this episode, his voice had never really made him a contender. It was always very average and, with the brilliant and risky choice of James Browns’ “This Is A Man’s World,” Michael Lynche was easily the best of the Top 10 guys. The nasal quality was absent and the tiny falsetto note at the end was like he had thrown a cherry on top of a sundae and said “Voila!” In my opinion, this was the best performance of the season. NEVER GOING HOME.

Who should go home?

Jermaine Sellers and Todrick Hall

Who will go home?

Jermaine Sellers and John Park

See you next time!

NGH

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